Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Eat a Fucking Sandwich

Well, football's over, and I don't watch any other sports... unless you consider porn a sport, which, let's face it, kinda is. They're always out of breath and can take a penis hit in the face. And their stamina is pretty impressive. So, for the time being, I'm making an advent calendar out of shots of whiskey and drinking one for each day until football starts up again. Or two. Or three. Judgey wudgey was a bear.

So this blog will now mostly contain posts about horribly stupid pop culture stories. I would like to start these new posts off with the stupidest thing I've seen in a long time. Angelina Jolie putting her stupid, ugly (I mean really beautiful) leg out of her highly slit dress and standing there like a fuckin' dime store hooker at the Oscars the whole night.

What an asshole. Some people are saying this is some sort of inside joke between her and Brad Pitt. ______________ (that was the sound of crickets not laughing at the horribly unfunny inside joke) I mean, hilarious. Angie, I never knew how funny you were. You're a regular Bill Cosby. If Bill Cosby was a rail thin, white, non-funny woman who loved the look of her own face. If this wasn't a joke and was actually serious, which is what I think it was, then who the fuck do you think you are? Oh. Angelina Jolie? Shit. Good one. But still. I don't care who you are. Get over yourself.

Here's the deal; I don't like and never have liked Angelina. I'm team Jennifer Aniston all the way. I mean alllll the way. Like, as far up her vagina as I could go. I bet even her vagina wears casual jeans and a belt with a simple tank and still looks amazing. Angelina, on the other hand, is an anorexic homewrecker whose face is frozen in a weird squint, pucker lips pose that only Renee Zellweger can pull off because that is what her face actually looks like.

I like a woman who has curves and loves to get down on a fucking sandwich and drink a beer. I DON'T like a woman who carries a vile of blood around her neck, sloppy seabasses her brother for attention, and whose arm looks like it belongs in a stack of dead,
starved bodies in WWII.

EAT A FUCKING SANDWICH!!! And while you're at it, take all those women's husband's dicks out of your mouth.